Category Archives: Comedy

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Schtick

Heeheeho, The Exploitation and Degradation of Women…But with a Teddy Bear! Hahahaha

Why I Didn’t Want to See Ted:

Based on the string of hot ladies and references to Twitter, pot, and beer in the trailer for Ted, I asked myself, “Kit, you sensational creature, are you a 21-year-old frat boy and as such, a member of the apparent target demographic for that movie?”

“No,” I replied. “I am in fact, a female college graduate. My days of keggers and paying strange women to have sex with me and laughing about it are over. Now, when I get black-out drunk at college parties and engage in emotionless fornication with prostitutes it just seems kind of…I don’t know, depressing. Your hair looks great today, by the way.”

“I know. Thanks. Let’s not see Ted.”

Why I Saw Ted Anyway:

Using my mighty genius brain powers I deduced two things: firstly, that Ted‘s writer, Seth MacFarlane (ever heard of him?) is a known purveyor of competent humor, as evidenced by his hit animated series, Family Guy (ever heard of it?), and secondly, it’s possible that the commercial-makers were stupid idiots who made a funny movie look stupid and idiotic because they believe stupid idiots are underrepresented in the media.

It also has Mark Wahlberg co-staring with a talking teddy bear. And Joel McHale.

Why I’m Glad I Saw Ted:

It was funny. Really funny. Plus, the bear is both adorable AND a marvel of modern movie-making technology. Like, his fur was even a little pilled and bald, just like REAL old stuffed animals! Ted is a cocktail of raunchiness, poignancy, shock-value, and wit. It is satisfying and produced in me an odd sense of guilt that I was full-on belly-laughing at whatever disgusting or despicable thing that teddy bear just said. I am a terrible person, but I enjoy it, apparently. Thanks for the epiphany, Ted. What would Teddy Roosevelt think of his namesake talking like that, hm?

Like my tryst with Paul Rudd, Ted isn’t going to be a lasting favorite of mine, but it was a fun way to kill an hour and a half.

Also, I liked when Ted beats up Mark Wahlberg.

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Posted by on June 30, 2012 in Comedy


That’s Good Leche

A Cat You Really Want to Curl Up With In Bed

Have you ever spent almost two hours surrounded by children and trying moderately hard not to be aroused by a cartoon cat? I have. I’ve seen Puss in Boots…3D! It was especially difficult to resist Puss (Antonio Banderas) because we have so much in common: we both are fantastic dancers, we have both been framed for robbing a bank, and we both are irresistible to amorous female cats (to the dismay of my boots). Puss in Boots 3D is proof that cartoons have become higher resolution than real life itself. Firstly, because every single cat hair has its own team of animators and a little person in a green suit to simulate the natural motion of cat hairs when they are on a cat who is in the middle of a sword fight. Secondly, because real life is a little blurry.

However, as erotic and fiber-optic as this explosion of hyperbright CGI was, it just didn’t move me like the flat, two-dimensional musical cartoons of my increasingly distant childhood (I can feel myself dying, slowly, very slowly). Part of my disappointment is due to the fact that I am very gay. Not gay in the homosexual sense, but gay as in I enjoy singing and dancing and other gay stuff, which, if I have learned anything from the way college boys talk, is a usage of the word that apparently is not offensive to anyone. Because Antonio Banderas can sing (remember EVITA, anyone?) I am personally outraged that Puss never burst into song. This cartoon is not gay enough.

Also, Zack Galifiniakakakas was in the movie. As everyone knows, the dude is funnier than a giant banana peel slipping on a smaller banana peel. The role he played in Puss and Boots though was entirely serious. He was the least funny part of the whole shebang. If you’re going to break into serious acting, Zacky boy, don’t do it in a cartoon. Just some advice from someone who’s tried (see “Wacky Bucky’s Zany Zoo”, which failed to win me an Oscar).

Puss in Boots was super fun though, and, spoiler alert, I almost got killed by the giant goose at the end. It was that 3-D.


Posted by on December 2, 2011 in Comedy


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Norway: Unsurprisingly Troll-Infested

Trolls: Less Hairy, More Attractive Than Your Ex-Boyfriend. (You Know Who I'm Talkin' 'Bout)

Drop whatever stupid thing you’re doing: surgically removing a ganglion cyst, breast-feeding your infant, piloting a trans-atlantic flight, whatever. Watching TrollHunter (dir. Andre Ovredal) is infinitely cooler, and therefore more worthwhile, than any other possible activity. Believe me. I have a blog, ergo; my opinion matters.

This beautiful little number out of Norway, the sunshine country, has exactly the right combination of mockumentary wit and oh-my-god-they’re-gonna-get-eaten-RUUUUUNNNNN!!!!. You will be gasping for air from a smooth Columbian-brew blend of alternating (and sometimes simultaneous) laughter and terror. You will remember the night you watched this movie as being better than all of your major life events, which will seem to you afterwards sickeningly devoid of troll mayhem. Example: Troll Hunter, a.k.a. “Hans”, calmly eats breakfast and shows the amazed camera crew his very ordinary, beaurocratic paperwork that he has to fill out for the government after every troll extermination. Ha ha ha it’s like real life, but there’s trolls, you guys.

People get eaten, goats get eaten, trolls get eaten probably, and American audiences learn a critical international lesson: “Trooooooolllllllllllll!!!!!!!!” is the same in Norwegian as it is in English. (Who knew?) The trolls look like gigantic nightmare versions of Sweetums (from the Muppets). The actors look like pale, blonde versions of people (from the live-action parts of the Muppets, and also from real life). There’s a scrappy documentary crew who thinks there’s a bear-poaching problem (but it’s NOT! IT’S TROLLLLLLLLSSSSSS!), a crotchety loner dude who’s mean at first but then turns out to be a hero (duh), and more slime than you could shake a troll at. The movie even does the courtesy of offering a semi-reasonable pseudo-scientific explanation of why trolls blow up or turn to stone in the sunlight.

See it, or forever be mis-informed about the state of trolls in Norway. That would just be irresponsible. As a citizen of the world, it is your duty to stay informed.


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Phast Phillip

Iowa's Version of the Red Carpet: 6x6 Astroturf

As someone with a short attention span, I love short films. As someone who enjoys laughing, I love comedies. So bless my soul, when I heard that there would be a program of comedy shorts at the Landlocked Film Festival, I got there faster than the lovechild of Roadrunner and the Flash (who I think should have been named “Roadflasher”. Buuuuuut Roadrunner just had to honor her uncle Philip.) Here’s a speedy rundown of the 7 comedic shorts:

“I Hate Panda” (dir. Ian Bennett)- A six-minute amalgam of all those weird aspects of Chinese culture that are inscrutable to your standard Anglo-Saxon. There was a karaoke singing girl in a panda outfit, the characters yelled their emotions really fast and close up at seemingly random points, and lots of anime-style flinging and whooshing and cartoon-y text. It’s my sad misfortune that at no point during this screening was I a 12 yr old Hong Kong schoolgirl.

“Rifle Ave” (dir. John Nodorft)- a crazy paranoid guy ventures out of his crazy bunker in a crazy hazmat suit, even though imaginary helicopters could imaginarily shoot him, in order to save his neighbor/crush/nurse/lady across the street. I give it two tiny thumb-sized tinfoil hats up!

“Bathing and the Single Girl” (dir. Christine Elise McCarthy)- This sassy monologue about the perils of dating as an older-than-20-something-lady was essentially Sex and the City except with a sharp, thoughtful, funny person in it. That being said, it was the only entry by a female human and it was about her boy problems. It made me wish that more than 1 in 7 people in the world were girls and that those precious few had more to talk about than boys. Wait, what’s that? HALF of all people are women? The nightly news shall hear of this, mark my words!!

“Clean Break” (dir. Ryan Lieske)- A skeleton in a rigid book deal who’s being pigeonholed by his publishing company to write “skeleton” books when all he wants to do is write a novel about the plight of a single mother who lost her child? It’s funny. Really. I just didn’t like it. Some people are amused by cruelty and hopelessness and puking in children’s faces. Some aren’t. That’s life. As the French say, “Bonjour!”

“Astronaut on the Roof” (dir. Sergi Portabella)- Is it just me or are things automatically witty in a Brittish accent? It’s so funny, you guys! Okay, so it’s a movie about two guys writing a movie and you see the scenes they’re trying to put in their movie but then they decide to make it a movie about themselves writing the movie and they’re in their own movie all of a sudden and Brittishy voiceovers, you guys! I don’t get it, but goldarn is it funny!

“Mimespeak” (dir. Tracy D. Smith)- A cubicle-bound operator in a call center gets jealous of his inexplicably wildly successful coworker who is… a MIME. What?! A mime in a call center?! How–Wha–huh? It’s utter foolishness! I LOL-ed all over myself. And, praise mighty Zeus, a laaaadyyyy director! I’d like to scale back my previous sarcastic indignance and kiss the feet of Tracy D. Smith, you beautiful lamb chop, you.

“Wolfsbane” (dir. Matthew Wilson)- This is not a comedy. It was probably put in with the comedies because it is a laughable drama. It’s steam punk Red Riding Hood where Granny is a werewolf and you’re not even slightly surprised by it. You can tell it’s set in “the past” because everyone over-enunciates and uses Pee-Q-Lee-Ar words and syntax. It annoyed the puke right out of my bile-filled belly.

And that’s how that all went!

Zzzzzzzzzzzoooooommeepmeep! Get out of here, Phil.


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