Batman 3: The One Without Batman in It

23 Jul

“I’m Batman.”
“Bat…man? Doesn’t ring a bell.”

So Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Rises is a three-hour Batman movie with two minutes of Batman in it. So what? Big deal. No one said there had to be any Batmen in it. You know what? It reminds me of a little Alan Moore Batman story called “The Killing Joke”, one of the most iconic and powerful stories in the history of Batman comics, ever, OF ALL TIME. There were hardly any Batmen in that either. The only difference is, instead of delving into the fascinating, creepy psychology and origin of Batman’s greatest nemesis (the Joker), and presenting readers with a complex and challenging moral grey-area that had us question our own sense of justice, Nolan skimmed the surface of a whole bunch of different Batman characters and challenged nothing and no one.  And instead of being interesting, it was long. Sort of a quantity-over-quality thing. It’s a better value on the dollar. You get more for less. But, aside from that, they’re the same thing vis-a-vis the minimal Batmans.

Dark Knight Rises has got some really fun parts, for sure: cool Bat-vehicles, explosions aplenty, a kid in a pit, hitting. Who doesn’t like mayhem and hi-jinks? The weird thing is, Dark Knight Rises seems to be set in some bizarre alternate universe where there are only two women and both of them exist only to let Christian Bale know how sexy he is. Just to set the record straight: not all women are perpetually horny deceptive weaklings as DKR would have you believe. If we were, things would be fun for guys for awhile until they die from betrayal, and then fun for nobody when all women die of broken hearts or some lame weak crap, and then humanity goes extinct.

Now, boys are great, don’t get me wrong. I love boys! I would totally marry a boy, that’s how much I love them. It’s just they’re not the only people on the planet, even though they make a lot of movies that say they are. There are such things as policewomen, lady politicians, girl orphans, and, even in the world of Batman, at least one lady homicidal maniac. But nooOOOooo; not according to the bold dreamers who envisioned this utopia of watered-down-women. Instead of Catwoman, murderous hellcat, Mr. Nolan presents Catwoman, spayed pussy. That sucks for fans of women, if not cats. Girls can murder people, too, ya know! And not just when boys drive us crazy with their lovin’.

The thing that hurts the most is that in the previous Nolan Batmans, baddies were badasses. Nolan’s hyper-realistic Joker was phenomenal.  Catwoman, the renegade more enigmatic than Mr. E. Nigma, deserved better…and I KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER, JERK, Mr. Nolan, sir. On the other hand, it sounded like Patrick Stewart dubbed Bane’s voice for the entire movie and he goes down like a leaf, so at least Bane wasn’t any better than Catwoman.

Generally, though, I liked it a lot. Tell your friends.


Posted by on July 23, 2012 in Drama


2 responses to “Batman 3: The One Without Batman in It

  1. donelder

    July 26, 2012 at 12:52 am

    So many things:

    1) You’re right. Nolan needs to stretch his vision of women a little further. I understand that he’s drawing heavily from a classic (meaning, however inadvertently, before women mattered in pop literature) playbook but that’s not acceptable.

    2) Bruce Wayne is sexy. He’s a (sometimes) rich, genius, Olympic-level athlete with an unwavering sense of honor. It would be weird if he wasn’t getting hit on all the time.

    3) Catwoman has always been a underwhelming character. The movie certainly didn’t make her any worse.

    4) She absolutely got to murder someone. She shot Bane in the heart with a cannon.

    • Kit Bryant

      July 26, 2012 at 11:50 am

      I just watched a great documentary about this (Wonder Women!: The Untold Story of American Superheroines), so now I can pretend to be an all-knowing expert, but women go in cycles of “mattering” in comics. In the forties at least, Catwoman was one of Batman’s most formidable adversaries. When the boys got back from killing Nazis and the women had to stop working their fulfilling factory jobs and go back to being housewives, Catwoman conveniently got amnesia and turned all pansy and “good”. For me, she’s one of those enduring female characters who can act as a litmus test for how much power and visibility women are enjoying in the media during a given decade.

      Batman is for sure, is at maximum on the hotness scale. I still have a huge crush on Batman, as in, I sleep with a pillow with his face on it (a little magazine cologne, two glasses of chardonnay…we stay up all night discussing our hopes and dreams). BUT, it’s annoying that women are always in the “love interest” role, especially in this movie because the only other woman (who has a name) in the movie is also a love interest for the same dude. It would have been so refreshing to see Catwoman not have to do the smitten-kitten routine in this movie.

      I forgot that she got to murder Bane, though! It was kinda anticlimactic. Good for her though, being a ruthless, bloodthirsty monster. Girl power!


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