Walk Softly and Carry a Big Schtick

30 Jun

Heeheeho, The Exploitation and Degradation of Women…But with a Teddy Bear! Hahahaha

Why I Didn’t Want to See Ted:

Based on the string of hot ladies and references to Twitter, pot, and beer in the trailer for Ted, I asked myself, “Kit, you sensational creature, are you a 21-year-old frat boy and as such, a member of the apparent target demographic for that movie?”

“No,” I replied. “I am in fact, a female college graduate. My days of keggers and paying strange women to have sex with me and laughing about it are over. Now, when I get black-out drunk at college parties and engage in emotionless fornication with prostitutes it just seems kind of…I don’t know, depressing. Your hair looks great today, by the way.”

“I know. Thanks. Let’s not see Ted.”

Why I Saw Ted Anyway:

Using my mighty genius brain powers I deduced two things: firstly, that Ted‘s writer, Seth MacFarlane (ever heard of him?) is a known purveyor of competent humor, as evidenced by his hit animated series, Family Guy (ever heard of it?), and secondly, it’s possible that the commercial-makers were stupid idiots who made a funny movie look stupid and idiotic because they believe stupid idiots are underrepresented in the media.

It also has Mark Wahlberg co-staring with a talking teddy bear. And Joel McHale.

Why I’m Glad I Saw Ted:

It was funny. Really funny. Plus, the bear is both adorable AND a marvel of modern movie-making technology. Like, his fur was even a little pilled and bald, just like REAL old stuffed animals! Ted is a cocktail of raunchiness, poignancy, shock-value, and wit. It is satisfying and produced in me an odd sense of guilt that I was full-on belly-laughing at whatever disgusting or despicable thing that teddy bear just said. I am a terrible person, but I enjoy it, apparently. Thanks for the epiphany, Ted. What would Teddy Roosevelt think of his namesake talking like that, hm?

Like my tryst with Paul Rudd, Ted isn’t going to be a lasting favorite of mine, but it was a fun way to kill an hour and a half.

Also, I liked when Ted beats up Mark Wahlberg.

1 Comment

Posted by on June 30, 2012 in Comedy


One response to “Walk Softly and Carry a Big Schtick

  1. Al

    July 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    As a hardcore plushophile, I’ve already blocked off the next three months for repeated viewings of this fluffy film. Your fine review has served only to pique my interest even further; I am nearly bursting at the seams in anticipation!

    Just to be clear, though, Ted is played by a dude (or, better still, the ghost of Theodore ‘DON’T CALL ME “TEDDY,” ASSHOLE’ Roosevelt) in a bear costume and is not some bogus CGI creation, right? ‘Cause, if not, I’m out.

    Great review. Keep poppin’ that corn!


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