Have you ever spent almost two hours surrounded by children and trying moderately hard not to be aroused by a cartoon cat? I have. I’ve seen Puss in Boots…3D! It was especially difficult to resist Puss (Antonio Banderas) because we have so much in common: we both are fantastic dancers, we have both been framed for robbing a bank, and we both are irresistible to amorous female cats (to the dismay of my boots). Puss in Boots 3D is proof that cartoons have become higher resolution than real life itself. Firstly, because every single cat hair has its own team of animators and a little person in a green suit to simulate the natural motion of cat hairs when they are on a cat who is in the middle of a sword fight. Secondly, because real life is a little blurry.
However, as erotic and fiber-optic as this explosion of hyperbright CGI was, it just didn’t move me like the flat, two-dimensional musical cartoons of my increasingly distant childhood (I can feel myself dying, slowly, very slowly). Part of my disappointment is due to the fact that I am very gay. Not gay in the homosexual sense, but gay as in I enjoy singing and dancing and other gay stuff, which, if I have learned anything from the way college boys talk, is a usage of the word that apparently is not offensive to anyone. Because Antonio Banderas can sing (remember EVITA, anyone?) I am personally outraged that Puss never burst into song. This cartoon is not gay enough.
Also, Zack Galifiniakakakas was in the movie. As everyone knows, the dude is funnier than a giant banana peel slipping on a smaller banana peel. The role he played in Puss and Boots though was entirely serious. He was the least funny part of the whole shebang. If you’re going to break into serious acting, Zacky boy, don’t do it in a cartoon. Just some advice from someone who’s tried (see “Wacky Bucky’s Zany Zoo”, which failed to win me an Oscar).
Puss in Boots was super fun though, and, spoiler alert, I almost got killed by the giant goose at the end. It was that 3-D.