25 Oct

Moneyballs: Don't you see? People are ALL just numbers. You, for instance, are a big, fat zero! (Alternate dialoge found scribbled in Aaron Sorkin's diary)

Moneyball (dir. Bennett Miller) is about a guy named Moneyballs (Brad Pitt) who is the handsomest boss of a baseball team in the land. His team, the A’s, is so destitute that they can only afford one letter of their desired team name, the fightin’ Antidisestablishmentarians. Because his bake sale cookies taste like ground up meal worms, Moneyballs has no cash to spend on fancy luxuries like hiring guys who are good at baseball. He has to hire guys who are bad at baseball but he still wants them to beat the rich teams with the good baseball players and monocles.

Moneyballs decides to listen to a brainy nerd (Jonah Hill) who thinks that math can be applied to real life instead of his chief baseball scout with 35 million years of experience (Huffy McWobblejowls) whose white blood cells show up as tiny baseballs under a microscope. Remember screenwriter Aaron Sorkin’s last movie? It was about a guy who invented a social network but had no friends. Moneyballs likewise, has no money. But he does have…ahem. You know. Heart.

Aaron Sorkin is actually a really good writer for a man. However, like many men, he does not appear to be that familiar with the rules of baseball. Por ejemplo, he makes a big gigantic deal out of this cute injured family man, Hoffmussen or someone, and how Moneyballs and his pet nerd want him to play first base even though he’s never played first base before. Then, when the A’s manager (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) says, “That’s so stoopid!!!!!!!” (paraphrasing) and doesn’t play Hoffmusser at first, Moneyballs gets really mad. Finally, Hoffmuncher saves the day when PhillipSeymourHoffman finally plays him…as a pinch hitter. That means he CAN’T have been playing first base, for you boys who don’t understand baseball. So, like, PSH was all like, PPPPSSSHHH! to Moneyballs, but it was still okay, so I guess Moneyballs was just freaking out over nothing and isn’t as great as he thought.

Speaking of not as great as he thought, Moneyball: the Movie claims that Moneyballs and his mathwhizz changed baseball foreverandeverandever because now everyone only uses economics to pick players. Beep boop bip. But, I’m pretty sure baseball is still pretty similar to the way it was before 2002, The Year of Moneyballs. That’s what my dad says anyway. At best, in the movie at least, Moneyballs changed the A’s, who continued to be unable to afford more letters to add to their name, and the Red Sox, who went on to win the World Series. So hey, that’s still pretty good.

Still, it’s a good movie. Especially if you like underdog sports stories but don’t like to get emotionally involved with the players on the team.

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Posted by on October 25, 2011 in Uncategorized


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