Hi guys. I can’t watch movies because I’m in Delaware where talking pictures are a sin. Now that I’ve seen a little more of the world, I can tell you one thing: Midwesterners are polite. Iowans especially. As evidence, here are three interactions between Iowans in their natural habitats. They are real. I witnessed them.
On the Ped Mall in Iowa City
Guy in Hoodie: Pardon me, ma’am. I DO hate to bother you, but…well…
Older Lady: What is it, dear?
Guy: It’s just that I have this little gun and a financial problem. I hate to trouble you, but I would rather not shoot you, especially considering it could muss up your darling cardigan. What is that, wool? Anyway, I digress. May I please have all the money you may happen to have with you?
Lady: Oh, Sweetheart. It’s no trouble at all. I was just going to spend this wad of cash on a silly de-humidifier.
Guy: I’m so sorry about this and I really appreciate your co-operation.
Lady: No, listen, we’ve all been there, darling. Life sometimes hands you a lemon and backs you into a li’l old socio-economic corner, and goldarn it (pardon my language) if it doesn’t make you reach out to your neighbors.
(takes off Rolex)
Guys: No, please, just cash is fine. I hate to put you out like this as it is.
Lady: Here. It was my grandfather’s. This is what neighbors are for, Honey Pie.
Guy: You are TOO kind, really. Thank you very, very much.
Lady: Now you be careful with that gun, you hear? You don’t want to go and put someone’s eye or brain out.
Guy: I will, ma’am. Cross my heart.
Lady: That’s a good boy. Run along now.
At the Strip Club
Man: Pardon me, miss, but…well…
Stripper: What is it, dear?
Man: Could you…Would you mind shaking it, baby?
Stripper: Oh, of COURSE not, Lambchop. Is this okay?
Man: Yes, that’s lovely, miss. Much obliged. Please accept this small token of my gratitude.
(puts dollar in g-string)
Stripper: Well aren’t you just a doll! Thank you very much! You have very kind eyes, sir.
Man: Oh, stop. I’m blushing.
Stripper: Would you like me to touch-dance with you?
Man: It would be my honor.
(makes to stand)
Stripper: Please, don’t get up! Sit, sit! Make yourself comfortable. I will just sit in your lap and dance.
Man: Golly. How accommodating. You are the salt of the earth, miss.
Stripper: We are all God’s beautiful children.
(begins lap dance)
In the Army
Drill Sargent: Forgive me, good soldier, but might I trouble you with a small request?
Soldier: Oh my, yes. Anything for you. You have been like a father to me. And indeed to all the men and women in our unit.
Drill Sargent: Gosh, you kids. It’s just… well…
Soldier: What is it, dearest Sargent?
Drill Sargent: Would you be so kind as to drop and give me 50?
Soldier: Come, now. For you, I’ll do 100.
Drill Sargent: No, no, please. 50 is all I ask.
Soldier: If you insist. But I get to do them one-handed, and I won’t take no for an answer. ONE! TWO! THREE! Are these to your liking, sir?
Drill Sargeant: I couldn’t ask for nicer push-ups. Well done, my friend.
Soldier: …FIFTY-NINE! SIXTY!
Drill Sargent: Hey, you scamp! I said fifty!
Soldier: Those extra ones were my gift to you. You would do the same for me. Please, if there’s ever anything else I can do for you, don’t even hesitate to ask.
Drill Sargent: Well, now that you mention it… No, nevermind. I can do it myself.
Soldier: Please, sir. Let me ease your burden. It would be doing me a kindness to not have me stand by idly while there is something that you need.
Drill Sargent: I DO need the latrine to be scrubbed with a toothbrush, but…
Drill Sargent: Yes, soldier?
Soldier: I woke up early and did it as a surprise for you. You have a really lovely day, and remember…anything you need, just holler.