25 Sep

Hi guys. I can’t watch movies because I’m in Delaware where talking pictures are a sin. Now that I’ve seen a little more of the world, I can tell you one thing: Midwesterners are polite. Iowans especially. As evidence, here are three interactions between Iowans in their natural habitats. They are real. I witnessed them.

On the Ped Mall in Iowa City

Guy in Hoodie: Pardon me, ma’am. I DO hate to bother you, but…well…

Older Lady: What is it, dear?

Guy: It’s just that I have this little gun and a financial problem. I hate to trouble you, but I would rather not shoot you, especially considering it could muss up your darling cardigan. What is that, wool? Anyway, I digress. May I please have all the money you may happen to have with you?

Lady: Oh, Sweetheart. It’s no trouble at all. I was just going to spend this wad of cash on a silly de-humidifier.

Guy: I’m so sorry about this and I really appreciate your co-operation.

Lady: No, listen, we’ve all been there, darling. Life sometimes hands you a lemon and backs you into a li’l old socio-economic corner, and goldarn it (pardon my language) if it doesn’t make you reach out to your neighbors.

(takes off Rolex)

Guys: No, please, just cash is fine. I hate to put you out like this as it is.

Lady: Here. It was my grandfather’s. This is what neighbors are for, Honey Pie.

Guy: You are TOO kind, really. Thank you very, very much.

Lady: Now you be careful with that gun, you hear? You don’t want to go and put someone’s eye or brain out.

Guy: I will, ma’am. Cross my heart.

Lady: That’s a good boy. Run along now.

At the Strip Club

Man: Pardon me, miss, but…well…

Stripper: What is it, dear?

Man: Could you…Would you mind shaking it, baby?

Stripper: Oh, of COURSE not, Lambchop. Is this okay?


Man: Yes, that’s lovely, miss. Much obliged. Please accept this small token of my gratitude.

(puts dollar in g-string)

Stripper: Well aren’t you just a doll! Thank you very much! You have very kind eyes, sir.

Man: Oh, stop. I’m blushing.

Stripper: Would you like me to touch-dance with you?

Man: It would be my honor.

(makes to stand)

Stripper: Please, don’t get up! Sit, sit! Make yourself comfortable. I will just sit in your lap and dance.

Man: Golly. How accommodating. You are the salt of the earth, miss.

Stripper: We are all God’s beautiful children.

(begins lap dance)

In the Army

Drill Sargent: Forgive me, good soldier, but might I trouble you with a small request?

Soldier: Oh my, yes. Anything for you. You have been like a father to me. And indeed to all the men and women in our unit.

Drill Sargent: Gosh, you kids. It’s just… well…

Soldier: What is it, dearest Sargent?

Drill Sargent: Would you be so kind as to drop and give me 50?

Soldier: Come, now. For you, I’ll do 100.

Drill Sargent: No, no, please. 50 is all I ask.

Soldier: If you insist. But I get to do them one-handed, and I won’t take no for an answer. ONE! TWO! THREE! Are these to your liking, sir?

Drill Sargeant: I couldn’t ask for nicer push-ups. Well done, my friend.


Drill Sargent: Hey, you scamp! I said fifty!

Soldier: Those extra ones were my gift to you. You would do the same for me. Please, if there’s ever anything else I can do for you, don’t even hesitate to ask.

Drill Sargent: Well, now that you mention it… No, nevermind. I can do it myself.

Soldier: Please, sir. Let me ease your burden. It would be doing me a kindness to not have me stand by idly while there is something that you need.

Drill Sargent: I DO need the latrine to be scrubbed with a toothbrush, but…

Soldier: Sarge?

Drill Sargent: Yes, soldier?

Soldier: I woke up early and did it as a surprise for you. You have a really lovely day, and remember…anything you need, just holler.

1 Comment

Posted by on September 25, 2011 in Other


Tags: ,

One response to “Politowa

  1. Debbie

    September 26, 2011 at 12:18 am

    Where do you come up with this stuff?!?!? Unbelievably imaginative and creative. Wish I could say you got it from me, but alas….

    Keep it comin’!!!!


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