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The Revengeners

27 May

Mark Ruffalo Did Nearly 100 Push-Ups a Day to Achieve This Physique and Complexion

The Avengers! Have you seen it, yet? Awesome, right? If you haven’t, my sincere apologies for your lack of free time and/or coolness. While I was unclear as to what this lovable team of super-hunks was avenging exactly (unless maybe it was the deaths of the anonymous lab techs and military personnel in that first fight whom, let’s face it, no one cared about), I would love to see this movie as a Broadway musical. Hits would include, “Iron Man, Regular Woman: The Ballad of Pepper Potts”, “Tears of a Hulk”, and “Ascots in Asgard”, a heart-wrenching song about how long hair looks alarmingly sexy on Thor, but makes Loki look extremely effeminate. Someone please get on making this happen, immediately.

One warning though, if you haven’t seen it in theaters yet: you will sit next to a young man for whom this movie is the highlight of his existence, and he will laugh like a mad jackal at everything. Everything. Even things that warrant a bemused chortle at most. Example:

Someone Who Isn’t Iron Man (my memory’s not perfect): I thought that space thing was underwater. How is Iron Man going to get it?

Smash Cut to Iron Man, easily getting the space thing from underwater.

Nerd Next to You: HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, going into The Avengers, I thought that writer/director Joss Whedon could not possibly combine the five “prequels” into one super-movie without it turning out to be a cheap schizophrenic nightmare of oddly expository dialogue and forced flashbacks …you know, like a clip-show? But it wasn’t a clip-show. It was a normal show. A great show, even, that, while it didn’t change my life or make me feel anything rare or complex, had me thinking, “thisissocool, thisissocool, thisissocool” at all times. And then there’s the sex appeal. Whoa, mama! They figured out how to put Mark Ruffalo’s face on a giant green CGI body, which is every girl’s dream.

I know that the movie is based on comics and everything, and you can’t mess with the original material too much, but the thing that would have made The Avengers cooler is if it had more than the one token girl hero. Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson, beloved by all) was a badass, but her “superpower” is the ability to look hot and be good at murder at the same time. On one had, that’s a rip-off; on the other hand, I begrudgingly respect her for holding her own in a crime-fighting syndicate where everyone but her (and arguably Hawkeye, although I guess he can see pretty well) has amazing superhuman abilities and a penis.

Still, the characters were remarkably well-defined (Captain America = noble yet sexy boy scout, Iron Man = egomaniacal yet sexy smart-ass, Bruce Banner = deeply ashamed yet sexy humanitarian doctor/scientist, etc) even though a lazier writer would have used only the crutches of costumes and super-abilities to differentiate them, which was, as the kids say, hella impressive, yo! So fun. Didn’t you love it?

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 27, 2012 in Other

 

2 responses to “The Revengeners

  1. Dad

    May 27, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Muy bueno Bungie. Glad to see you’re back at it! I have not seen the Avengers but on your recommendation will avoid it because I hate the laughter of strangers.

     
  2. donelder

    July 26, 2012 at 1:02 am

    By far the best review for this film I’ve ever read. I swear, I even tweeted about it.

     

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