Semi-important editors note: This post was originally written for the December issue of a magazine, right around the time the author got that kind of amnesia that makes you think it’s Christmas 2013 all the time…you know the kind I mean.
December is here again, bringing jolly snowmen, dancing sugarplums, and adorable little elves. Everything is merry and bright. Too merry and bright if you ask me. Don’t you fret; this article will get you reacquainted with your inner rage demon. Yes, you will to go into conniptions, have a rage stroke and explode to death: guaranteed or your money back! You’re welcome. Let me start by saying I think we can all agree that this was a huge, double D-sized year for boobs. Angelina Jolie lopped hers off, despite our collective opinion that we would rather her life be jeopardized by a horrible, horrible disease than miss those marvelous mammaroonies. Seth McFarlane, the Sultan of Subtlety, the Potentate of Politeness, the Tycoon of Tact, performed a lovely ditty re the titty entitled, “We Saw Your Boobs” at the Academy Awards and a good time was had by all on that account. Also, boobs were still the main reason we watched HBO, even though Daenerys Targaryen doesn’t want to show us hers as much, and many disgruntled whiners want to see way less of Hannah’s Girls. It seems we were up to our ears in boobs all year, but what about on the big screen? Let’s take a look back 2013’s movies; a look back in anger. Warning: contains toxic levels of sarcasm.
Two Great Men and One Super Man
Oz the Great and Powerful had all the enchantment of the original Oz, but without that sissy girl Dorothy waltzing her ovaries all over the place. Even though there are like four magical witches with magical magic powers running around, Oz is a fetid armpit land that plaintively pleads to be ruled over by an ordinary non-magical man from Kansas. That makes sense. Who ever heard of a woman, magical or otherwise, being able to rule anyplace? That’s why there’s no female equivalent to “king”…what would it be? “King-ina?” “King-ette?” I don’t think so. Good for James Franco for finally replacing Judy Garland as our Oz icon. It was about time.
Gatsby was also Great this year. A man telling a story about another man was such a daring and fresh idea out of Hollywood…and it was directed by a man so you finally get a male perspective! Surprisingly, The Great Gatsby was by far the girliest movie out this year. The women in the girliest movie of the year were terrible. One was a vapid, shallow adulteress too spineless to get a divorce and the other was a vapid, shallow adulteress too spineless to get a divorce. But hey, it’s classic American literature, so watching the film was essentially the same, if not better than, reading the book.
The Man of Steel was not just great; he was super. God, aren’t men the best? Lois Lane, the sharp-witted Pulitzer prize-winning journalist was just not even needed because Superman was so great. In fact, when Supes needs help on the spaceship during one of the film’s many climaxes, it’s not Lois Lane’s tenacity, talent, or intrepid spirit that allows her to save the day, it’s the spirit of Superman’s dead dad that tells her directly what to do. Look, I’m in touch with reality, even if it’s only as penpals. I’m not expecting Lois Lane to outshine Superman in a movie about Superman. All I ask is that she retain and utilize some of the spunk and integrity that made her iconic in her own right lo these 75 years since that comic’s first appearance.
One of the coolest chicks on screen this year was Mako Mori in Pacific Rim. She was an unstable rookie robot-pilot fighter-boxer or whatever and she got to whomp some monsters’ butts (not by herself, but whatever). Notice carefully: if you watch the trailer for Pacific Rim, you may wonder, as I did, if her character’s hook is that she is mute. Seriously, she literally appears to have no voice. Oh, the poetry. Ow, my sarcasm hurts from overuse.
Still Missing: Wonder Woman
This year, in addition to Man of Steel, we got a third Iron Man, and a Wolverine. I plan to scream at the top of my lungs continuously until Wonder Woman gets her own movie.
Also Still Mostly Missing: Regular Woman
Here’s what women did star in this year in terms of major box office releases. The Call stars Halle Berry, and to its credit, Halle gets to save the pretty blonde girl from the big bad man at the end. (Spoiler. Whatever, you’re not going to watch The Call.) Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counsellor (yes, TYLER PERRY) also stars a woman, but loses points because it also has a Kim Kardashian in it…and loses points because it’s another of Tyler Perry’s two-hour-long dookies. That’s about it. Man, ladies are desperate for some representation! This is all we get? Thank the stars Jennifer Lawrence has our back…again. She caught fire in Hunger Games: Catching Fire.
Look, I know you’re tired of hearing it. Wah, wah, let’s see if crying about it will magically give woman fair and equal representation in the media. Oh yeah! Jennifer Anniston played a stripper this year! I can’t believe I almost forgot to mention that one! Anyway, I know. I’m tired of my own constant outrage. It’s just so hard to get over when movies are so obviously icky and terrible about women. I love movies but they just keep breaking my heart. I don’t know…Maybe women don’t need role models or big grand stories with female characters that inspire and stimulate. I’m…too disheartened. Can’t go…on. Too tired… to cry. Merry Christmas, everybody!