RSS

A Look at Boobs (And Those Thingies Attatched to Them…You Know, Women)

Image

Women Make Important Contributions to Society…Naked

Semi-important editors note: This post was originally written for the December issue of a magazine, right around the time the author got that kind of amnesia that makes you think it’s Christmas 2013 all the time…you know the kind I mean.

December is here again, bringing jolly snowmen, dancing sugarplums, and adorable little elves. Everything is merry and bright. Too merry and bright if you ask me. Don’t you fret; this article will get you reacquainted with your inner rage demon. Yes, you will to go into conniptions, have a rage stroke and explode to death: guaranteed or your money back! You’re welcome. Let me start by saying I think we can all agree that this was a huge, double D-sized year for boobs. Angelina Jolie lopped hers off, despite our collective opinion that we would rather her life be jeopardized by a horrible, horrible disease than miss those marvelous mammaroonies. Seth McFarlane, the Sultan of Subtlety, the Potentate of Politeness, the Tycoon of Tact, performed a lovely ditty re the titty entitled, “We Saw Your Boobs” at the Academy Awards and a good time was had by all on that account. Also, boobs were still the main reason we watched HBO, even though Daenerys Targaryen doesn’t want to show us hers as much, and many disgruntled whiners want to see way less of Hannah’s Girls. It seems we were up to our ears in boobs all year, but what about on the big screen? Let’s take a look back 2013’s movies; a look back in anger. Warning: contains toxic levels of sarcasm.

                Two Great Men and One Super Man

Oz the Great and Powerful had all the enchantment of the original Oz, but without that sissy girl Dorothy waltzing her ovaries all over the place. Even though there are like four magical witches with magical magic powers running around, Oz is a fetid armpit land that plaintively pleads to be ruled over by an ordinary non-magical man from Kansas. That makes sense. Who ever heard of a woman, magical or otherwise, being able to rule anyplace? That’s why there’s no female equivalent to “king”…what would it be? “King-ina?” “King-ette?” I don’t think so. Good for James Franco for finally replacing Judy Garland as our Oz icon. It was about time.

                Gatsby was also Great this year. A man telling a story about another man was such a daring and fresh idea out of Hollywood…and it was directed by a man so you finally get a male perspective! Surprisingly, The Great Gatsby was by far the girliest movie out this year. The women in the girliest movie of the year were terrible. One was a vapid, shallow adulteress too spineless to get a divorce and the other was a vapid, shallow adulteress too spineless to get a divorce. But hey, it’s classic American literature, so watching the film was essentially the same, if not better than, reading the book.

                The Man of Steel was not just great; he was super. God, aren’t men the best? Lois Lane, the sharp-witted Pulitzer prize-winning journalist was just not even needed because Superman was so great. In fact, when Supes needs help on the spaceship during one of the film’s many climaxes, it’s not Lois Lane’s tenacity, talent, or intrepid spirit that allows her to save the day, it’s the spirit of Superman’s dead dad that tells her directly what to do. Look, I’m in touch with reality, even if it’s only as penpals. I’m not expecting Lois Lane to outshine Superman in a movie about Superman. All I ask is that she retain and utilize some of the spunk and integrity that made her iconic in her own right lo these 75 years since that comic’s first appearance.

Pacific Grim

One of the coolest chicks on screen this year was Mako Mori in Pacific Rim. She was an unstable rookie robot-pilot fighter-boxer or whatever and she got to whomp some monsters’ butts (not by herself, but whatever). Notice carefully: if you watch the trailer for Pacific Rim, you may wonder, as I did, if her character’s hook is that she is mute. Seriously, she literally appears to have no voice. Oh, the poetry. Ow, my sarcasm hurts from overuse.

Still Missing: Wonder Woman

                This year, in addition to Man of Steel, we got a third Iron Man, and a Wolverine. I plan to scream at the top of my lungs continuously until Wonder Woman gets her own movie.

Also Still Mostly Missing: Regular Woman

Here’s what women did star in this year in terms of major box office releases. The Call stars Halle Berry, and to its credit, Halle gets to save the pretty blonde girl from the big bad man at the end. (Spoiler. Whatever, you’re not going to watch The Call.) Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counsellor (yes, TYLER PERRY) also stars a woman, but loses points because it also has a Kim Kardashian in it…and loses points because it’s another of Tyler Perry’s two-hour-long dookies. That’s about it. Man, ladies are desperate for some representation! This is all we get? Thank the stars Jennifer Lawrence has our back…again. She caught fire in Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

Look, I know you’re tired of hearing it. Wah, wah, let’s see if crying about it will magically give woman fair and equal representation in the media. Oh yeah! Jennifer Anniston played a stripper this year! I can’t believe I almost forgot to mention that one! Anyway, I know. I’m tired of my own constant outrage. It’s just so hard to get over when movies are so obviously icky and terrible about women. I love movies but they just keep breaking my heart. I don’t know…Maybe women don’t need role models or big grand stories with female characters that inspire and stimulate. I’m…too disheartened. Can’t go…on. Too tired… to cry. Merry Christmas, everybody!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Scrapper: Scrapping for Scraps in All the Wrong Scrapheaps

Scrapper

With Tense Car Rides And Contemplative Staring Galore!

Scrapper (dir. Brady Hall) is that same old fairytale we’ve heard a billion times where the handsome scrap metal collector discovers a homeless teenager in a sex dungeon and proceeds to have a complicated relationship with her while undergoing a painful process of self-discovery. (Oh, I get it!  “Scrapper!” There’s two meanings ‘cause in addition to salvaging scrap metal they’re scrappy, too!) The place: Seattle. The cutesy indie character names: Hollis Wallace and Swan. Also: an actor guy who’s on Game of Thrones. You know, the one who had all those prostitutes.

Even if you’re some sort of ignorant moon-savage who’s never heard this particular story, you are probably familiar with the formula: a couple of unlikely heroes find each other, unlikely-ly, and form an unlikely alliance whereby they develop as characters and end up needing one another in some unlikely way. Like Shrek and Donkey. Yes, Scrapper is essentially Shrek, if Shrek were a serious indie drama with several uncomfortable sexual elements and creepy nightmare sequences. And, like Shrek, Scrapper adheres to this unlikely buddy formula in an effective way that culminates in a lingering uneasiness. (Yes, that ogre and ass seemed a little too chummy for my tastes.)

This feature-length narrative film is excellent for those who enjoy being bummed out yet stirred by the hardships of fringe-dwellers, and who also enjoy lengthy contemplative melancholy stretches interspersed with sudden bursts of sex and violence.

Iowans may enjoy this film at the upcoming Hardacre Film Festival in Iowa. (www.hardacrefilmfestival.com)

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Pretend Time in Angry Land

UPDATE! Golden Fleece Located: Ben Affleck Using It As Mouth-Scarf to Hide Handsomeness

Any of you hoping to see a plucky pregnant deputy, William H. Macy, and a woodchipper, perhaps owing to what you thought was a typo on the theater marquis, will be disappointed by Argo. It turns out it is not the Coen brothers’ classic, Fargo, but rather a completely new movie called Argo. If you are expecting any golden fleeces or seafaring Greeks, you will also be disappointed. Argo contains neither Argonauts nor Jasons. Just a Ben Affleck.

Fans of Ben Affleck (hereafter known as the Affleck-ted) will rejoice because lil’ Benji directs and stars. Haters of Ben Affleck will rejoice because he apparently has suffered a terrible accident, possibly a jelly-fish stinging, that has left his face 95% paralyzed. The other 5% is covered in facial hair.

What you CAN expect from Argo is snappy CIA hijinks, based-on-a-true-story nail-biting peril, and several characters who say stuff like, “Oh, your plan is to do this impossible thing to these impossible people resulting in this impossible scenario?….Okay. I’m in.” It’s the story of CIA agent Antonio Mendez (Affleck having contracted his proud new Latino heritage from ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez) who stages a rescue mission of six American citizens from Iran during the hostage crisis of 1980, posing them as a Canadian film crew. It’s pretty awesome. It’s sort of an action movie without gunfights or car chases or shirtless testosteroiding arm veins. Oh, and people in it are smart.

Argo does a nice job of presenting a complex socio-political environment as its backdrop. It isn’t “People with brown skin who don’t speak English are just bad and evil!” The film presents a brief history that makes you understand the anti-American sentiment in Tehran in 1980, and sort of part way fathom the desperation and frustration that led things to get so crazy and out of hand. That’s a viewpoint you don’t get much as an American, so you’ve got to appreciate it when you do.

Argo is pretty impressive. It deftly combines the serious and the comedic. It’s like watching a little bird trying to fly out of the nest; It’s an absurd spectacle but there are moments where your heart skips a beat because at any moment it could be uplifting or you’re going to witness something innocent plummet to its death. It delivers the smug satisfaction of seeing Oscar-bait (instead of a movie with “4” after the title), lines that make you go, “ho ho ho, how droll,”  and a riveting plot to boot. Plus, you learn a little about revolutionary Iran, so you feel like you can seem deep and informed and finally get that Persian girl in your Women’s Studies class to like you. Then, you walk out of the theater in awe of human bravery, hoping that under extreme circumstances you would have the guts to pretend you’re working on a terrible Star Wars knock-off.

I give it a big Kit up.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Drama

 

Batman 3: The One Without Batman in It

“I’m Batman.”
“Bat…man? Doesn’t ring a bell.”

So Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Rises is a three-hour Batman movie with two minutes of Batman in it. So what? Big deal. No one said there had to be any Batmen in it. You know what? It reminds me of a little Alan Moore Batman story called “The Killing Joke”, one of the most iconic and powerful stories in the history of Batman comics, ever, OF ALL TIME. There were hardly any Batmen in that either. The only difference is, instead of delving into the fascinating, creepy psychology and origin of Batman’s greatest nemesis (the Joker), and presenting readers with a complex and challenging moral grey-area that had us question our own sense of justice, Nolan skimmed the surface of a whole bunch of different Batman characters and challenged nothing and no one.  And instead of being interesting, it was long. Sort of a quantity-over-quality thing. It’s a better value on the dollar. You get more for less. But, aside from that, they’re the same thing vis-a-vis the minimal Batmans.

Dark Knight Rises has got some really fun parts, for sure: cool Bat-vehicles, explosions aplenty, a kid in a pit, hitting. Who doesn’t like mayhem and hi-jinks? The weird thing is, Dark Knight Rises seems to be set in some bizarre alternate universe where there are only two women and both of them exist only to let Christian Bale know how sexy he is. Just to set the record straight: not all women are perpetually horny deceptive weaklings as DKR would have you believe. If we were, things would be fun for guys for awhile until they die from betrayal, and then fun for nobody when all women die of broken hearts or some lame weak crap, and then humanity goes extinct.

Now, boys are great, don’t get me wrong. I love boys! I would totally marry a boy, that’s how much I love them. It’s just they’re not the only people on the planet, even though they make a lot of movies that say they are. There are such things as policewomen, lady politicians, girl orphans, and, even in the world of Batman, at least one lady homicidal maniac. But nooOOOooo; not according to the bold dreamers who envisioned this utopia of watered-down-women. Instead of Catwoman, murderous hellcat, Mr. Nolan presents Catwoman, spayed pussy. That sucks for fans of women, if not cats. Girls can murder people, too, ya know! And not just when boys drive us crazy with their lovin’.

The thing that hurts the most is that in the previous Nolan Batmans, baddies were badasses. Nolan’s hyper-realistic Joker was phenomenal.  Catwoman, the renegade more enigmatic than Mr. E. Nigma, deserved better…and I KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER, JERK, Mr. Nolan, sir. On the other hand, it sounded like Patrick Stewart dubbed Bane’s voice for the entire movie and he goes down like a leaf, so at least Bane wasn’t any better than Catwoman.

Generally, though, I liked it a lot. Tell your friends.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on July 23, 2012 in Drama

 

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Schtick

Heeheeho, The Exploitation and Degradation of Women…But with a Teddy Bear! Hahahaha

Why I Didn’t Want to See Ted:

Based on the string of hot ladies and references to Twitter, pot, and beer in the trailer for Ted, I asked myself, “Kit, you sensational creature, are you a 21-year-old frat boy and as such, a member of the apparent target demographic for that movie?”

“No,” I replied. “I am in fact, a female college graduate. My days of keggers and paying strange women to have sex with me and laughing about it are over. Now, when I get black-out drunk at college parties and engage in emotionless fornication with prostitutes it just seems kind of…I don’t know, depressing. Your hair looks great today, by the way.”

“I know. Thanks. Let’s not see Ted.”

Why I Saw Ted Anyway:

Using my mighty genius brain powers I deduced two things: firstly, that Ted‘s writer, Seth MacFarlane (ever heard of him?) is a known purveyor of competent humor, as evidenced by his hit animated series, Family Guy (ever heard of it?), and secondly, it’s possible that the commercial-makers were stupid idiots who made a funny movie look stupid and idiotic because they believe stupid idiots are underrepresented in the media.

It also has Mark Wahlberg co-staring with a talking teddy bear. And Joel McHale.

Why I’m Glad I Saw Ted:

It was funny. Really funny. Plus, the bear is both adorable AND a marvel of modern movie-making technology. Like, his fur was even a little pilled and bald, just like REAL old stuffed animals! Ted is a cocktail of raunchiness, poignancy, shock-value, and wit. It is satisfying and produced in me an odd sense of guilt that I was full-on belly-laughing at whatever disgusting or despicable thing that teddy bear just said. I am a terrible person, but I enjoy it, apparently. Thanks for the epiphany, Ted. What would Teddy Roosevelt think of his namesake talking like that, hm?

Like my tryst with Paul Rudd, Ted isn’t going to be a lasting favorite of mine, but it was a fun way to kill an hour and a half.

Also, I liked when Ted beats up Mark Wahlberg.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on June 30, 2012 in Comedy

 

The Revengeners

Mark Ruffalo Did Nearly 100 Push-Ups a Day to Achieve This Physique and Complexion

The Avengers! Have you seen it, yet? Awesome, right? If you haven’t, my sincere apologies for your lack of free time and/or coolness. While I was unclear as to what this lovable team of super-hunks was avenging exactly (unless maybe it was the deaths of the anonymous lab techs and military personnel in that first fight whom, let’s face it, no one cared about), I would love to see this movie as a Broadway musical. Hits would include, “Iron Man, Regular Woman: The Ballad of Pepper Potts”, “Tears of a Hulk”, and “Ascots in Asgard”, a heart-wrenching song about how long hair looks alarmingly sexy on Thor, but makes Loki look extremely effeminate. Someone please get on making this happen, immediately.

One warning though, if you haven’t seen it in theaters yet: you will sit next to a young man for whom this movie is the highlight of his existence, and he will laugh like a mad jackal at everything. Everything. Even things that warrant a bemused chortle at most. Example:

Someone Who Isn’t Iron Man (my memory’s not perfect): I thought that space thing was underwater. How is Iron Man going to get it?

Smash Cut to Iron Man, easily getting the space thing from underwater.

Nerd Next to You: HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, going into The Avengers, I thought that writer/director Joss Whedon could not possibly combine the five “prequels” into one super-movie without it turning out to be a cheap schizophrenic nightmare of oddly expository dialogue and forced flashbacks …you know, like a clip-show? But it wasn’t a clip-show. It was a normal show. A great show, even, that, while it didn’t change my life or make me feel anything rare or complex, had me thinking, “thisissocool, thisissocool, thisissocool” at all times. And then there’s the sex appeal. Whoa, mama! They figured out how to put Mark Ruffalo’s face on a giant green CGI body, which is every girl’s dream.

I know that the movie is based on comics and everything, and you can’t mess with the original material too much, but the thing that would have made The Avengers cooler is if it had more than the one token girl hero. Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson, beloved by all) was a badass, but her “superpower” is the ability to look hot and be good at murder at the same time. On one had, that’s a rip-off; on the other hand, I begrudgingly respect her for holding her own in a crime-fighting syndicate where everyone but her (and arguably Hawkeye, although I guess he can see pretty well) has amazing superhuman abilities and a penis.

Still, the characters were remarkably well-defined (Captain America = noble yet sexy boy scout, Iron Man = egomaniacal yet sexy smart-ass, Bruce Banner = deeply ashamed yet sexy humanitarian doctor/scientist, etc) even though a lazier writer would have used only the crutches of costumes and super-abilities to differentiate them, which was, as the kids say, hella impressive, yo! So fun. Didn’t you love it?

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 27, 2012 in Other

 

New! Civil-Rights-Scented Tampons

Above: Shot Composition as Flat and Uninteresting as Emma Stone's Bustline...Ba-ZAM!

The Help (dir. Tate Taylor), based on the best-selling book by Kathryn Stockett, has a lot going for it: super-amazing actresses, a go-get-em spunk, and a backdrop of backwards racist Mississippi (good thing that’s a thing of the past!). The adaptation of the book was done deftly, almost as if by some sort of wondrous adaptation-writing cyborg with the efficiency of a robot, but the tears of a human, perhaps in anticipation of a time in the near future when sentient machines,too, are treated as second-class citizens. However, The Help, the movie, had a fatal flaw: it didn’t believe in itself quite hard enough. A combination of a tampon-commercial-like aesthetic, sappy, overwrought music, and unimaginative shot composition lent The Help all of the tawdry gracelessness of a Lifetime Original. Granted, you can sorta see how this could happen.

For-Women-Only-Oxygen-TV-Movie Titles for Various Themes in The Help:

  • My “Frenemies” are Gossiping About Me
  • My Mom Brutally Scrutinizes My Appearance…And Has Cancer
  • I Can’t Hide My Bruises When You Hit Me in the Face, Darling
  • I Have Kids, Think About Babies, and/or Take Care of Children in General…I Must Be a Woman
  • Is My Drinking Hurting My Fetus? (book only)/ My Husband Only Beats Me When He’s Drunk…Or Does He?
  • The Shaming of the Slut
  • No One Will Hear You Abort
  • The Secret of My Dress-Making: I’m Lower-Middle Middle Class
  • Friends with a Woman
  • Revenge of the Crazy Lady Whose Ex I’m Dating
  • If I Were Pretty Instead of Smart, I Would Have a Boyfriend

These and other themes in The Help, like baking and dream-following, are extremely difficult to portray without a Febreeze-scented air of housewifeyness. However, if The Help had just had a little more confidence, it could have pulled itself out of the sinking chick-sand and become a household classic for all the family, including those members of the family with family…members. Unfortunately, the gynocentric presentation trivialized the more important themes in the movie, specifically that little thing called civil rights. Still, The Help had heart and humor and a pie made of poop, so I thought it was pretty A-OK.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 19, 2012 in Drama

 
 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 31 other followers